


Christ Pose

by orphan_account



Category: Persona 3
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-08
Updated: 2008-06-08
Packaged: 2019-06-14 11:17:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15387597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Some deaths are necessary.





	Christ Pose

It wasn't because Akihiko had gotten there in time. He knew as soon as he started running that he would be too late – too late, too stupid to have figured it all out beforehand – his mind in a state of panicked denial.

No, it was because Takaya was a wreck with one foot in the grave and his head resting on the looney bucket and he never cleaned or checked his gun except to reload it. Carelessness had lodged something in the barrel and the gun backfired, taking Takaya's head with it. What an anticlimactic end for a villain, right? It was such a crazy fluke. Neither Ken nor Shinjiro had been hurt, and everyone was relieved. The full moon was over, the leader of Strega was gone and they were all still alive. They were all feeling a little bit celebratory.

Most of them.

“I'm fine,” Ken said. Of course the kid was a bit rattled; anyone would be. After repeated assurances that everything was okay, they all went back to the dorm.

Akihiko was too on edge not to immediately notice when Shinji wasn't there. Shinjiro was far too good at slipping away unnoticed, but tonight Akihiko wasn't in the mood to play Shinji's games. He was going to get a straight answer for once.

It was a bad case of knowing each other too well. Akihiko knew Shinji would go, and Shinji knew he was being followed. “Stop following me.”

“Like hell I'm going to.” Akihiko was tense and wound up, ready to spring at any moment.

“Just leave me alone for once!” Shinjiro turned on him. “You got what you wanted. I'm in SEES. Now leave me the fuck alone.”

Akihiko's fists clenched and he wanted to punch Shinji – but he'd been down that path before, knew that wasn't getting anywhere. “I think you joined for the wrong reason,” Akihiko forced himself to say slowly.

Shinjiro gave his friend an incredulous look before he burst out laughing. It was an ugly, bitter sound that made Akihiko want to cover his ears against it. “What the hell did you expect? You're the one who told me Ken Amada joined SEES. Wasn't that your plan?”

Akihiko was so angry then that he couldn't even piece together words to form a sentence. His first impulse was split between punching Shinji as hard as he could square in the face and grabbing him by the hair, catching him by the mouth and sucking all the breath out of him. But neither of those things would do anything, fix anything. The rage of his indecision kept Akihiko standing there stone-still as Shinji turned and walked away.

xxx

Akihiko was at a loss. He knew he had to do something, say something, but he kept drawing blank after blank. He had tried, he had been _trying_ for two years, but trying to get to Shinji was like punching a stone wall. Shinji was just as hard and unmovable as ever and Akihiko's knuckles were sore and bleeding. His hands would be a broken mess before he ever made a crack in the damn wall.

And then December hit and everything changed. They were all going to die. Everyone was, in fact. How were they supposed to live knowing that everything would end?

But there were given a choice, and they all wanted it so badly. To forget. To wipe off the memories. To be happy for a while. Akihiko was sick of feeling angry and helpless.

The only one who was against it was Shinjiro. “This is bullshit,” he told them. “You can't just run away like this. Why the fuck aren't you gonna fight?” His eyes accused Akihiko.

“There are some things you can't fight,” Akihiko replied, and he didn't want to look at Shinji.

When the new year rolled around, they all looked at Minato and Minato breathed it out quietly. They would forget, and live in ignorant bliss for their last month. Shinjiro raged and swore and broke a window downstairs but it changed nothing.

xxx

Akihiko was worried about Shinjiro. They hadn't – hadn't really been close for well over two years now, but Akihiko still visited Shinji, talked to him at his hangouts at Port Island Station. Sometimes they would eat ramen together.

Every time they met, Akihiko would ask Shinji if he was clean yet. Shinji would snort and go back to his ramen, and that was enough answer for Akihiko. Eventually he wanted Shinji to get clean, but pushing him was pointless.

After lunch one day Shinji collapsed. Akihiko managed to shake him into consciousness, but Shinji insisted on not going to a hospital. Akihiko carry-dragged him all the way back to his dorm at Iwatodai.

“Who's this dude?” Junpei asked when Akihiko stumbled in through the front door. Fuuka peeked out from behind her book to look at the newcomer. (Fuuka had always been so shy, he hardly ever got four words from her. He wondered why she had moved to this dorm, he couldn't really remember...)

“A friend,” Akihiko replied. He shot a glance at Mitsuru, who frowned. She had never liked Shinji, not since he had dropped out of school. (He didn't get it, somehow Akihiko had expected her to respect him somehow, for something, what was it?)

“How horrible,” Akihiko heard Yukari say as he helped Shinji up the stairs. She seemed to be reading the newspaper. “A boy killed himself last night, he was just in elementary school. His mother...”

There was an empty room upstairs on the boys' floor. Despite the fact that no one had been in it for over two years (...had there really been no one...?) it had only a thin layer of dust an a distinct lack of spiders. Shinji pushed Akihiko away then, walking to the bed himself and lying down on his side with his back to the wall. He was breathing hard.

“It's the drugs,” Akihiko said. It wasn't a question. He stood by the bed and fidgeted.

“What the hell else?” Shinji's voice was weak and whispered.

“Then stop!” Akihiko snapped, and his anger felt so nostalgic, so familiar somehow.

“I can't.”

“Do you want to die?!”

Shinjiro looked up at Akihiko, but he didn't answer.

Akihiko sank to his knees, his face now level with Shinji's. “Don't. Please.” His voice broke as he reached for Shinji's hand.

On the morning of January 31st, 2010, Akihiko woke with a cold corpse beside him. In that moment he felt that anything could happen and he wouldn't care, even if the entire world were to be destroyed at midnight.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this years ago and only just posted it to AO3, and I'm honestly flabbergasted that I was ever depressed and nihilistic enough to be capable of writing this. Jesus Christ. 
> 
> It's a double-whammy because I was inspired by the song Jesus Christ Pose by Soundgarden, one of my favourite bands of all time, and since the original writing of this fic, the vocalist, Chris Cornell, has committed suicide after a lifetime of issues with depression and drug abuse. Nearly ten years after I first wrote this fic, it feels somewhat prophetic...and somewhat simply about the tragic inevitable.
> 
> There was a time when I felt more like a Shinji, but now I know I'm an Aki, and now I'm the support that other people lean on. So. Um. Very often, it will get better, kids. It actually does, and I know that personally. If you're feeling suicidal, please google up a suicide hotline! You don't have to be a Shinji. You're not as alone as you think you are. Channel your feelings into some angsty fanfiction, if nothing else. It certainly helped me.


End file.
